Jealousy to the past: the causes and methods of struggle

The past is the baggage of experience. Different. There are gizmos in this suitcase, evoking pleasant memories and a smile, there are those that you want to hold in your hands and feel as if time has turned back, and there are some that you don’t want to look at. Such "artifacts" in family luggage sometimes turn out to be the past relations of the spouses.

The focus of jealousy to the past may be different. Most often, the husband is jealous of his wife (or vice versa) to the former spouse or lover. Spouses can be jealous of each other for a child from a previous marriage. Abandoned men or women may feel jealous of their former son or daughter, who were born to him in a new marriage. It happens that jealousy is experienced even by an already deceased former boyfriend or girlfriend of a loved one. Sometimes it can be a mental disorder.

Jealousy can be like a real relationship between the former and the product of rich imagination. Consider the main causes of jealousy.

• Weak will and insecurity. Man implies endurance, strength of spirit, confidence in the chosen path and his actions. This is when prudent parents raised him and did not suppress these qualities in him. A boy who is spoiled and overprotected as a child, as an adult, will assume that everything belongs to him, including his woman with all her personal space. Her communication with the former partner can give rise to a sense of ownership in him, and then he will demand either a permanent report or a permanent stay at home to the detriment of her career or hobby. If in childhood the guy was often suppressed and straightened out, then adults would constantly doubt their consistency as men, compare themselves with others not for the better and worry that his girlfriend would choose the former who seemed to him more worthy than he.

• Unsuccessful past experience. It often happens that a man has already experienced the experience of adultery in relations with other women. If a certain behavior of the former lover led to betrayal (for example, she carefully dressed up before meeting with the former), then in the subconscious mind, such behavior is recorded as the fact of betrayal. In a new relationship, the same behavior of the partner will be a signal of betrayal, although the girl has nothing wrong with her thoughts and careful self-care is just a good habit.
• Frequent contact former lovers. If the wife is in constant correspondence or often calls up, meets with the former, then, naturally, it can hurt her husband. Although these meetings may be due to common affairs or the affairs of joint children. Then the jealous man can transfer his irritation to children.
• Mental disorder. It happens that option. Most often it is an acquired deviation from the norm as a result of a combination of the previous causes contributing to severe stress. Stress breaks the defense mechanisms of the psyche, and human behavior becomes inadequate. Manifested in the pursuit of a partner, the requirement of constant and immediate reporting, increased suspicion.

• Lack of faith in yourself. Vulnerability to a greater degree than men is inherent in women. And if a girl was underestimated as a child, her female dignity was belittled, then, as an adult, she will live with the feeling that she is an inferior woman, mother, and mistress.These feelings do not allow her to open up completely and sharpened by doubts, she compares herself with a potential rival and tries to clarify her viability through a partner. She can constantly ask him about their relationship, how they spent their time together, what he said to her. In this version, jealousy can spread to the children of a man from a past marriage.
• That reminds her of the former. The partner himself tells about the former companion, describes the moments of their life together, shows the places where they had a rest together, keeps things presented to her. A woman, by nature endowed with emotion, is easier to imagine how he felt about the former and project them into the present. Gifts of the previous ones, really carrying a part of the former owner, can annoy no less, and the female fantasy on this basis will paint a picture of betrayal.
• Meet your partner with a former woman. These can be personal meetings or phone calls and chat conversations. Former partners can contact for common affairs or, if it is reliably known that they have no common affairs, they are brought together by something more.

Jealous of our partner to the past, we plunge into the unreal world, that is, while we are in the grip of negative feelings, we do not live in the present moment, but are mentally present in the stories already passed. Ceasing to be jealous of a guy for a former girlfriend or wife to a former lover is possible. And it depends primarily on the jealous himself. Although, those who are jealous, you can also give a couple of tips.

If you have a trusting relationship with a partner, then you will feel not irritation in response to a change in his behavior, but the suffering of a loved one. Try to support him, just do not regret, it will humiliate your partner, do not regret the words that will help him feel significant and worthy. If jealousy is groundless, try to talk openly with your soul mate, if possible in a friendly atmosphere. Find out exactly what hurts your partner. Already your sincere attention may be enough to exhaust the confrontation between you.

It is possible that you yourself noticed or noticed after the conversation that you are provoking your loved one to jealousy. Maybe you often talk about past relationships or demonstrate things donated during this period. If so, think about it - why do you need self-assertion?

Now let's figure out what to do to overcome jealousy.

Let us return to the causes of female jealousy.

• Diffidence. Try to remember who told you or when, or made it clear that you are not dressing like that, you are not being feminine and, in general, a bad hostess? Recall these or similar negative statements. This is important in order to understand that they do not belong to you. These phrases were sometimes accidentally or intentionally delivered by your parents or other relatives, girlfriends, those whom you really believed, and therefore accepted those very words as truth. Now work a little more and find your own statements. Give yourself time for this process and for their ripening. Practice daily, because the life scenario can not be undone in an instant.
• He often remembers the former, tells about her. Does he want to cause your jealousy, or simply set out the facts, but you feel vexation, pain, hatred, or other feeling destroying you. To convey this to your husband, you don’t have to slander him, pick him up or pick up dishes. You can report your condition in more benign ways. The most successful of them - a frank conversation. In fact, you want him to learn about your feelings. So tell him about them.Only when you feel you can speak calmly, choose a moment. The purpose of such a conversation is not to convince the partner what a villain he is, but to bring his feelings to him.

• Your husband is dating a former sweetheart. They really can have common affairs and this is normal. Why should he create enemies around him? Preservation of normal, human relations can speak about his lack of conflict, and the fact that he does not hide them from you - about his honesty before you. An interesting point: by the way he speaks about the female qualities of the former or other girls, one can often judge his attitude towards the female sex in general. If there is no obvious reason for jealousy, try to use the situation to your advantage, keep your finger on the pulse. If this still does not give you peace, you should talk heart to heart with your man, not insulting him, but sharing your feelings.

Which of the following reasons makes you jealous of your companion?

• Heightened self-esteem. Do you seriously think that someone can belong to you? Then keep in mind that in life there will be (or already occur) situations where you will be considered the object of someone’s belonging.
• Increased suspiciousness. When as a child your parents or relatives, sincerely desiring for you only good and believing that you have strong-willed qualities in you, urged on, ridiculed you for a noble deed towards a girl, pulled back when you showed assertiveness and independence in defending your opinion, a mental image has been formed in your subconscious: I am funny, awkward and have no right to my opinion or something like that. Defining these attitudes that you currently live with is the first step to finding yourself present. This process is not fast, but it is worth it to implement it.
• Jealousy as a result of past failures with women. This process is easier to control, as it is more conscious and easy to track. Despite the similarity of some moments of your previous and current relationships, you still need to understand that your companions are completely different people. Therefore, it is important to separate the past and the present, consciously fixing ourselves on it.
• The wife often communicates with the former. All issues are resolved if they are resolved peacefully. Irritability and discontent only repel. A conversation with your companion will help you cope with your feelings. Tell her about your doubts. Your measured, measured thoughts, calm and confident, but not pushy tone will do their work, and you will be able to convey to your wife what you want. In order for the dialogue to take place, it is imperative to listen to the answer, without making premature conclusions, and giving the other half to speak.

If you are jealous of the children of your companion, then you yourself are still an immature person. Because a stable and stable personality is generally difficult to unbalance, such a person knows his own worth and appreciates and respects the feelings of other people.

The connection between the child and the parent is a bright feeling, the experience of parenthood is an incomparable happiness! If you have such experience, it is easier for you to understand your partner, and if not, open your heart. Understand that true love is a state where you experience it for everyone and everything that surrounds you and your companion. She is all-pervading and does not divide the family into yours-mine. Look for this feeling, take care of its tremulous manifestations, and your life will acquire a new meaning, and joy will dwell in your heart. After that, you will notice how your attitude towards children in general, towards the children of your spouse, and indeed towards your spouse, changes.

People with low self-esteem should learn to share their own and others' feelings, thoughts, opinions.The destructive thoughts that have visited you, which break the inner harmony, interfere with communication with close people, you can and must learn to let go. To do this, identify such a thought in a convenient way: name, color, shape, or, if so perceived, smell, touch. This will help to make it clearer.

Thank her for the science (thanks to her, you can now get to know yourself better in the present), forgive her for disturbing you, forgiving the one who helped strengthen it in you and mentally let go. The thought and feeling released by you may fly away like a balloon or disappear in a fog, or disappear somehow differently.

Psychological trauma due to a break in previous relationships. Living in the past is the same thing as being in virtual reality. To learn how to live in the present, try to do a simple exercise: choose a convenient time, a place (preferably alone) and for about five minutes (you can set a timer) note which feelings you notice, which thoughts, feelings, desires come to you. Practice it regularly, and you will notice for yourself that you are increasingly in the present, and you feel more and more that you are real.

In the case of a mental disorder motivated by jealousy, the resolution of the problem is played by the degree of awareness of one’s own deviation by the jealous. If he is aware of his condition and the reasons that led to him, you can try to work out the problem yourself using the techniques described in the article. If you can not cope on your own, you should seek help from a psychotherapist.

How to stop being jealous of the past, see the next video.