How to survive the betrayal of her husband?

Men's treason - a fairly common phenomenon. Russia in the global statistics is one of the first places in the number of divorces due to marital infidelity. According to these statistics, up to 75% of men and only 25% of women change. And, absolutely, none of the representatives of the weaker sex is immune from the situation in which the betrayal of the spouse comes out, will become known. On the Internet, you can find hundreds of articles on how to bring a husband to clean water, but it is difficult to find really useful materials with effective advice on how to survive a betrayal of a partner.

Those who say that there is nothing tragic in this, “in life and this does not happen,” are cunning. For a woman of any age, social status, worldview and religion, the betrayal of a spouse or partner is always a great personal drama. And it is not necessary to downplay it. On the contrary, it is necessary to realize it fully and try to accept it completely, without reserve, no matter how difficult it may seem in the first days after the revealed truth.

One of the first questions that a deceived woman asks herself is the question “why?”. She tried, prepared, gave him the best years, prompted beauty, gave birth to children, tried for him, and he went "to the left." The second question is the question of what to do now. Some still capture the stage of another classic question - who is to blame, but such self-digging is not good enough, it’s not worth starting.

So, the question of why this happened, at different times such great minds of mankind as Sigmund Freud and Karl Gustav Jung were puzzled. Today, sociologists who regularly conduct sociological surveys and questioning, as well as psychologists and psychotherapists who seek various ways to help people who have fallen into the cocoon of betrayal and the collapse of their personal lives, try to give an answer to this question.

Sociologists have recently published interesting results from an anonymous survey. The questioning method of the survey asked two questions - “Did you change your spouse / spouse?” And “What were the reasons for that?”. The results of the survey speak for themselves and are worthy of being published.

• Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage - 9% of men. That is, the version that “they are all dogs” does not stand up to criticism. Only nine out of a hundred men go "on the side" because of the lack of sex in the family, its poor quality, and so on. It should be noted that for a man, the desire for sharpness and novelty of sensations is quite natural, but the “left” is sent by the majority only when the passion in the family bed fades away completely. In this case, the number of sexual acts may be normal, but the quality ... In any case, this is only 9%.
• The desire to feel love and feel happy, desired - 14% of the stronger sex. Strong emotions are needed not only for women, but also for men. And if women who are prone to empathy, they can easily compensate for some moderate deficit of feelings by watching a sentimental series, then this number does not work with men.

• New love - 7% of men. This is the case from which no one is really insured. Interestingly, at this point ticked 20% of women. That is, men truly fall in love and leave the family (or remain, but turn their lives and the lives of their wives into hell) much less frequently than women. The reason is valid, but it is she who is experienced the hardest of the other side, which her husband, it turns out, betrayed.
• Self-affirmation, gaining self-confidence, which for some reason was not enough in the marital relationship - 10% of men. Such motives for adultery are usually found in the “zatyukhannyh” from childhood men, who were kept in the “gauntlet” mother, and then he got no less domineering and strong wife. And I want to be a man at least sometimes. Such men usually do not leave their wives. Fear.
• Long parting - 12% of the stronger sex. Here the options are darkness, and business trips, the duration of which is measured in months, or even years, and the fashionable democratic desire to live a little separately, to think. There can be any reason, but the result is unchanged - at some point a man who is here and now becomes closer and dearer than a man who is long and far away. Forecasts for family preservation, alas, are not very favorable.
• Boredom and routine - 4% of men. Such motivation is usually found in the representatives of the stronger sex, whose family life was very measured - everything is laid out on the shelves, everything is known in advance, everything is planned for a couple of years for sure. At some point in the man wakes up an adventurer. Not in everyone. AT 4%.

• For no reason, just like that, without any intent - 13% of men. A very interesting point in the questionnaire, which testifies, rather, not about the spontaneity of the man’s actions, but about the fact that he himself is hard to understand the reasons for which he did so. Probably, there is a set of reasons, and therefore it is difficult to isolate the main one. Just turned up the case (corporate, a party with friends without a wife, and so on), which was a sin not to use. Many sober men are ashamed and try to avoid such situations in the future.
• Revenge for treason partner - 1% of men. In retaliation of the beloved for her infidelity, units of the representatives of the stronger sex change. Not their style.

Do I need a deceived wife to analyze the reasons for her husband's deed? Rather, no, but one cannot get away from it - this is the first and most difficult stage of overcoming deep personal drama. Even if the man himself tells why he did it, the woman will still analyze, recall, compare in her head the events of the last days, months, years, in order to understand when and where the prerequisites for the causes of betrayal from the partner appeared. Therefore, to enrich the experience of life to communicate with itself on this topic will have.

Much for a woman after the unpleasant truth revealed depends on how a man behaves after all that happened. It is much easier to relive the situation for those whose repentant husbands are kneeling under the balcony and forgive for the third day. But sometimes it does not save, although the woman sets a tick for self-love, this is unconditional.

More often, men do not like in the movies. Some silently collect belongings and go to a friend, to mom, to the country to wait out the storm. Others remain, but are terribly awkward, and try to almost not communicate with the offended wife, disappearing at work or in the garage. This is their way to ride out the storm. Still others go to the tactics of attack - they begin to blame the wife for making the incident possible (“look at yourself,” “what did you do for me to hurry home?”, “Blame myself” and so on).

The latter type deserves a separate explanation. If in such a situation, the guilty husband begins to psychologically put pressure on him, putting the blame on his partner is a rather weak type of men, incapable of responsible behavior and taking their own actions. To be happy with such a man is very, very difficult, almost impossible, and therefore betrayal can be regarded as a blessing based on the good old principle - that God does everything, all is for the best. In other cases, different options are possible.

The great misconception of a suffering woman is that she sincerely believes that only she suffers. Single handedly On the scale of the galaxy, no less. In fact, for the most part, a man also feels unhappy - his family is collapsing, his usual life, in which his wife, believe me, plays a significant role. The spectrum of feelings of the guilty husband will depend on how he was raised, in what environment he lives, what principles are adopted in this environment.

Guilt feelings are typical of men; there is no doubt about that. But here they are accustomed to express it in different ways. Therefore, one will go to a calm and adult conversation, and the other will be unbalanced and irritable. In general, the variability of behavioral reactions among the representatives of the stronger sex, found to be treason, can be wide. What a woman should not do in any of the situations, regardless of the partner's behavior, is to put pressure on him, demand apologies, explanations, not lecture him on morality and not insult him or herself. No matter how a husband behaves, it is important to maintain internal dignity and external (at least visible) peace of mind.

Not even the most eminent psychologist, not one friend, no one in the whole wide world can give an exact answer to this question. Only the woman herself must answer it, considering the pros and cons. It is better to do this at least in a few days, when the most turbulent emotions will abate somewhat. In this case, it is not necessary to talk about a calm, measured decision, because it will be painful in a week or a month. This pain always comes from childhood. We all remember how worried and offended if the parents took us to the grandmother and went to the movies themselves. And the world collapsed when it seemed that they did not want to take us out of the kindergarten. It was then that the person laid the foundation for insults and the first ideas about betrayal.

A husband is a person you trusted, trusted with whom you decided to live your life. And he did not appreciate! Remember, nurturing your own feelings of betrayal is a lot like childhood grievances. She makes you a victim, not a mistress of her own life.

To decide whether to forgive or not, you need to strictly from the position of the hostess. If you forgive, you do it not because “nobody needs it anymore”, “I won't give it to her anyway” and so on, but because you clearly understand why and why you need to save your family. If a woman is tormented by hatred, she has no strength to concentrate on something, she does not want anything, then it is better to postpone the decision to forgive.

Take a piece of paper, write down on one side the advantages of your husband and the benefits of living with him, and on the other - his disadvantages and your negative feelings after his betrayal. This will help weigh the decision at least a little.

Forgiving, remember that you risk to hammer and stamp your own insult so deeply into your subconscious that then health problems are not excluded. Remember that former trust may no longer exist, that further relationships may be neurotic and exhausting, which one day will still lead to divorce.

In fairness, remind yourself that there are a fairly large number of families who have successfully coped with such a crisis, have overcome it and were able not only to keep the family as a unit of society, but also relationships in this family. And in very rare cases, couples manage to achieve harmony in relationships that did not exist before, that is, their life is improving.

If you decide not to forgive, and start life from scratch, you should not put off such a great idea until Monday or New Year. Survive the separation, forget about the betrayal will, of course, not immediately. But if you decide that your life is only yours, then you are already on the right track. The way out of this situation is a vast and deep topic. Not everything will turn out right away, sometimes it will be bad for the soul, and it will be almost impossible to cope with heartache alone. To get rid of the hard experience, it must be experienced to the end. These are the rules of this game.

The first stage is non-acceptance. A woman does not believe that this is possible, can not accept the situation. At this stage, the main thing is “not to break the wood”. It is better to be alone, try to accept the situation as it is, without counselors. The second stage is a protest. The woman accepted the fact and actively protests against the situation - silently or loudly. At this stage it is better to meet and speak with your best friend or friend, with any person you trust. So it will be easier to go to the third stage - submissive acceptance.

In this state, women often feel empty. Oddly enough, children, parents, friends needing help, work will help to get out of depression. At this stage, it is important to paint your day by the minute, not to spare time for family, friends, to help them. So gradually the last stage will come - insight. At the same time, a woman wakes up one day and realizes that she is still “nothing”, that you just need to “change your haircut and wardrobe,” calm down.

Save relationships in the family after the betrayal of her husband is possible only with the mutual sincere desire of both spouses. At a certain moment, the most crucial conversation will take place, when both calm down and think. During his time it is important not to blame or blame the partner, but to tell him everything that you feel from the first person, using “I” instead of “You”. It is not as difficult to forgive as it seems, but then it is much harder to begin to trust. A man who sincerely wants to improve relations with his wife, most likely, will not himself create dubious and ambiguous situations in which his wife will be psychologically uncomfortable.

If the family was on the verge of divorce even before the betrayal, it will be very difficult to mend relations. Spouses can communicate as much as they want, but to believe each other and stop thinking about what happened is a mission that is almost impossible.If the family decided to save because of the children, then it is better not to do it. Children for normal and harmonious development need loving parents together, as a last resort - happy and satisfied parents separately, but not a parody of a family in which it is uncomfortable, cold, no one communicates with anyone, and everyone is unhappy.

To cope with a personal crisis after the betrayal of a husband by a woman will help some simple advice, which can be used at any of the above stages of experiencing your grief:

• do not refuse invitations to go on a visit, to go to the cinema with friends or children, to go on nature, on a picnic with nice people to you;
• do not exacerbate the situation by drinking alcohol, a glass of wine will not bring relief, suffering in conjunction with a hangover is a very difficult case;
• do not close for everything new - meet new people, change your work and image, if you feel that the time has come, this will help increase self-esteem;
• Do not blame your husband, do not “wash his bones” in conversations with parents and girlfriends, do not breed rumors, do not throw mud at a person - no matter what happens then no matter what happens then you will not be honored;
• if you don’t manage to cope with your feelings and emotions, do not hesitate to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist for help, these specialists will help to verbalize anxiety and resentment, it will definitely become easier.

On whether to forgive treason, see the following video.