Divorce: what is, causes and statistics

The number of divorces in Russia today is a record one - almost every second marriage ends with termination. And it cannot but make us think: on the one hand, the state is trying to do everything to maintain the image of the family, and on the other hand, the families for some reason do not become stronger. About what causes lead to divorce, how are divorces, when they are inevitable, and how to survive this event, will be discussed in this material.

Divorce is the termination of the current marriage between spouses. Since in recent times civil marriages have been recognized to a certain extent by law, it can be considered divorce and separation of a couple who lived without passports in passports.

Once in Russia to get a divorce was almost impossible. The reasons for which they could have resolved the dissolution of marriage were quite weighty, they needed to be proved to a spiritual person in order to receive the so-called divorce letter, witnesses were also needed, and words were not enough. Diluted couple could, provided the following proven circumstances:

• marital infidelity;
• bigamy or doubleness;
• the illness of a man or woman who was before marriage and which interferes with the fulfillment of marital duty, childbirth, marriage together;
• the disappearance of a husband or wife without a trace (5 years ago or more);
• sentencing a husband or wife for a grave and especially grave crime against the law;
• the monasticism of the husband or wife (only if there were no small children).

In those days, divorces were a big rarity: in 1899, there was only one divorced woman for a thousand men, and two women for a thousand women were divorced.

That all changed in 1917. After the revolution, the attitude towards divorce softened. They began to breed in the registry offices, and immediately after the filing of such a petition by one of the spouses. Joseph Stalin somewhat tightened the procedure for divorce, and his follower Nikita Khrushchev again simplified. Thus, by 2008, already 60% of marriages ended in divorce.

Technically, divorce today is not a particularly complicated procedure. If the husband and wife do not have children, the matter can be settled with the dissolution of the marriage at the registry office by written expression of one or both partners one month after the submission of the corresponding application. The registry office also divorces spouses with children, but only on condition that one of them is legally recognized as missing, incapacitated, or sentenced to more than three years in prison. In other cases, divorced through the court.

The Orthodox faith today allows divorces, not only because of adultery, but also in several other cases:

• the departure of a partner from the Orthodox faith;
• venereal disease;
• infertility;
• long absence or missing;
• imprisonment;
• physical attempt on the life of a wife or children;
• mental illness that is not treatable;
• AIDS;
• drug and alcohol use;
• an abortion if the spouse did not give permission for such actions to his wife.

The Catholic Church of divorce does not recognize: to marry or remarry with the blessing of a cleric is possible only in case of the death of the first spouse. However, there are some conditions that allow us to recognize the marriage canceled, but only on a formal level.The second marriage after this church is considered illegal. Marriage between a Catholic and a representative of another faith is not considered legal, from the point of view of the church, and therefore such divorces do not condemn.

Protestants only allow divorce because of adultery, it is forbidden for divorced people to build new family relationships. Judaism does not encourage divorce, but in some cases allows. However, if the spouse refuses to give his wife consent to the dissolution of their marriage, the position of the woman will be very unenviable - she will not be able to enter into a new relationship until her former spouse dies.

Divorce in Islam is made by a Sharia judge at the request of a husband or wife. Reasons for divorce can be quite a lot. Each case is considered individually.

Divorce is not just a kind of legal and actual action, it is always a great psychological trauma, which, first of all, affects children - because of their age and lack of life experience, babies are not always able to understand and make decisions of parents without serious consequences. In psychology, the state after a divorce is considered identical with the state after the loss of a loved one, his death. The more painful the process of divorce was, the more likely it is that the consequences for the child’s psyche will still be: the accumulation of anxiety, the feeling of lack of protection, the collapse of the familiar world, and in adulthood, such people may be wary of relationships with the opposite sex, because the fear of repeating a scenario familiar from childhood may be too strong.

Unfortunately, increasingly, former spouses are drawing into litigation and children. Some human rights advocates and specialists in the field of clinical child psychology propose to qualify such actions of parents as “cruel treatment of children” and establish responsibility for this.

When lovers marry, they rarely think that divorce is possible in principle. At the same time, divorce should not be assessed as something bad or something good. It is neutral on its own. It all depends on the circumstances in which the family breaks down, as well as on the attitude of the participants to this. There are situations when a divorce is really like a tragedy: you have been abandoned, you are pregnant, you have been changed, you have small children who love both their mother and father equally. In this case, the divorce is perceived and experienced painfully.

But there are situations where divorce is good for all. These include, first of all, the situations that develop in destructive families.

In the course of living together from marriage to divorce, partners show and show not only their best qualities. Very often, in the first years of life, negative personality traits appear, but as long as they generally fit into the worldview of the other spouse, if he does not consider them terrible vices, the couple may well be a normal and strong family. Everything changes if the rest of the family members start to suffer because of the negative qualities that have emerged: from lack of money, if the spouse does not want to work, drinks, from beatings, if he is a home tyrant, from fear for his life.

Divorce becomes a blessing and salvation in the event that three important factors coincide:

• there are difficult and confusing relations between spouses, which prevent them from adequately interacting in significant events (joint education of children, providing them with everything they need);
• spouses cannot find contact, contradictions are observed in almost all walks of life;
• unresolved important problems leads to severe emotional stress, in turn, precluding any dialogue attempts.

So the circle closes. There is no way out, only a divorce.It is possible to save the family, but only on condition that at least one of the three factors described above will be amended.

Deciding on a divorce, even if all the criteria match, it can be very difficult. It turns out quite intolerable situation in which the only way out is rendered blocked. Psychologists call this a pathogenic divorce situation - the couple is already in fact and not a couple, does not solve anything together, there is no love and respect, understanding and common goals, tons of grievances have accumulated, spouses do not seek reconciliation and resolution of misunderstanding, to live together. In fact, both are powerless - they cannot make a single productive action either towards peace or towards divorce.

Hardest in pathogenic families to children. At first they try to act as peacemakers and intermediaries, but then they realize that they are not getting anything, they lose faith not only in themselves, but also in adults. Functions and roles in such families are biased, distorted. Everybody, including children, is experiencing tremendous stress. If everything is left as it is, it is possible that problems will look for a way out, but through the behavior of children, through somatic and mental diseases in toddlers and adults.

In pathogenic families, the only sensible and courageous solution is divorce. The marriage will disintegrate, but the life and health of each individual family member can be saved.

Today in Russia, up to 53% of couples who have entered into legal marriage are divorced. Such statistics are regularly kept by registry offices and once a year provide data on the percentage of marriages and divorces. But this statistic is remarkable not only for the total number of divorced Russians, but also for certain nuances that make it possible to better understand who is divorced in our country and how.

According to the latest data, couples who have been married for 5 to 9 years are divorced more often. Among such families, almost every third unit of society (28.5%) falls apart. Spouses who have been married for up to a year are divorced less often than others - 3% of the total number of divorces. But those who have lived together for 1-2 years already behave differently: almost 16% of marriages break up. Slightly more (18%) couples get divorced after 3-4 years of life together. Every fifth family breaks up among marriages with experience from 10 to 19 years. Among those who have lived together for more than 20 years, the percentage of divorcing is not so high - about 11%.

The most "conflict" are spouses aged 20 to 30 years. But at the same time, marriages concluded at this age period are stronger and break up much less frequently than marriages that the spouses entered into after their thirty-year anniversary. This can be explained by the relative mobility of emotions and psyche at the age of up to 30 years, after this milestone it is much more difficult for people to “redraw” their views and habits, which the family requires of them.

In this case, claim claims are taken by only 7% of couples. The rest remain true to their original decision and continue to insist on termination.

The initiators of a divorce, according to statistics, most often are women - up to 68% of cases. If the couple is “experienced” and the spouses are over 50 years old, then the initiators are more often men.

After the divorce, according to statistics, about 60% of women remarry, but only half of them admit that they have finally found happiness. Up to 85% of divorced men remarry and consider new relationships more successful than the first (about 70% of them).

Previously, the reason why a spouse required a divorce, it was necessary to indicate in a statement, to argue in court. Today, a husband and wife have every right to keep their secret, if they don’t want to articulate the reasons, they will divorce them without making this information public. But sociologists and psychologists engaged in the study of the subtleties of marital relations, continue to explore the reasons why families still break up.

• The decision on marriage was rash (as an option - the marriage was fictitious). This is the most common cause of divorce. Due to the fact that the wedding was played hastily, not recognizing each other, not being prepared psychologically and morally, up to 42% of couples divorced. Relationships of such spouses are usually very rude, inconsiderate, they annoy each other, refuse to help each other in their everyday life, in raising children. Gradually, more and more thoughts appear that this marriage was wrong and should be stopped.

• Bad habits. In second place by the number of divorces is such a reason as alcoholism or drug addiction of the husband (less often - wives). An alcoholic or drug addict cannot be full-fledged partners on whom you can rely, who you can trust. Often not only quarrels flourish in such families, but also assault and mental and physical violence. 31% of women file for divorce, arguing their decision alcoholism spouse. The same argument is indicated by 22% of men who decide to divorce their wives who drink or use illicit drugs.
• Treason. Marital infidelity takes the honorable third place among the causes of divorces in Russia. Up to 15% of women filing for divorce say they have decided to collapse the family because of the infidelity of the husband. It should be noted that up to 11% of divorced men declare women's infidelity.
• Different tempers. 9% of men and 8% of women point to this already classical formulation of the reason for separation. It implies a different understanding of the world, and so different that the spouses did not find common ground in real life. They have different views on raising children, on earning and spending money, on relationships with relatives (with mother-in-law, mother-in-law, etc.).

• Household insecurity. They divorce due to the lack of their own housing, material problems quite often, but usually this reason appears in combination with another, main one. Only about domestic insecurity, as the main reason for parting, say only about 3% of couples.
• Pathological jealousy. Unjustified allegations of treason, as well as surveillance and constant scandals for which there is no reason, cause a divorce in 1.5% of cases.
• Dissatisfaction with sexual life. Either spouses are embarrassed to point out such a reason, or they are ashamed to admit this fact, but honestly that sex life is not “off”, only 0.8% of divorcing people are recognized.

Such is the official “picture” of divorces. Psychologists distinguish their reasons that underlie the divorce:

• violations in the "grinding of characters", the personal characteristics of each spouse, unwillingness to compromise;
• the inability to take responsibility for themselves, the immaturity of one of the spouses or both at once;
• deceived hopes (resentment that a person in family life was not at all what he was at the stage of dating and the beginning of a relationship);
• the prolonged “pre-divide” period, when neither side can make a step towards each other, nor a step towards the court or the registry office.

If the question of the possibility of a divorce has repeatedly stood up in front of a person, it's time to weigh all the pros and cons, because this is a serious decision, it must be justified. Divorce is always a rather unpleasant and sometimes painful process. It can be compared with the need for amputation. Complications can occur both during surgery and after it, during the rehabilitation period.

If you want to initiate a divorce, but so far this prospect scares you, try to honestly answer the following questions.

• What would be useful for a divorce?
• What do you lose during a divorce?
• What new plans and goals will you have after the marriage is dissolved? Will this be the beginning of a new, more intense and interesting life?
• What problems can you have after a divorce with a partner?
• Who, except for me, this divorce will benefit? Whose life will be better from this?
• To my divorce hurt?

This approach will help to understand what will be more in case of a divorce - loss or acquisitions. If divorce benefits you and others, if you get more than you have now, do not deny yourself the opportunity to start a new life, because divorce is not the end of life, but its beginning. If, as a result of a simple analysis, you understand that your grievances no longer adequately see reality, and divorce will bring more losses, then it makes sense to take all measures to save the family.

Women are often afraid of the widespread belief that it will be very difficult for her later (and with the child) to arrange her personal life. To preserve the pathological marriage only out of fear of loneliness is the path to nowhere.

There are also situations in which analysis is practically not required, divorce is necessary: ​​it is the unwillingness of the partner to be treated for alcohol or drug addiction and assault.

All other situations need psychological preliminary study. Whether divorce will be a blessing, nobody will say in advance. But you can try several techniques that are used in psychology for decision-making.

• The projection of the future. Close your eyes, relax, breathe evenly and deeply. Imagine yourself, but only after 10 years. Carefully look at where you are, in what setting, who is next to you, what are you doing, do you look like a happy person.
• Evaluation of the present. To avoid divorce due to your idealized ideas about the family, excessive and unrealistic demands, make an impartial assessment of what you have. Ask yourself what your ideal partner should be, how it should look like, how it should act, whom to work, how to interact in the family. Imagine this in as much detail as possible and combine with the image of your current partner. If you find at least 2-3 matches, do not rush to divorce. Ideal does not happen. To be convinced of this, try to find in your memory at least one person you know in reality who would completely or no less than two-thirds match your expectations.

If in doubt, you can remember why you fell in love with your partner, why you decided to be together. Ask the same questions to him. If both spouses still remember the good and carefully keep this past in their hearts, the marriage can be saved.

If your partner started thinking about a divorce, and divorce is not included in your plans, the situation is more complicated. It is necessary to leave the person alone and give him the opportunity to make a balanced and deliberate decision. The best thing you can do is show your partner the above questions and techniques so that his decision will be deliberate and balanced.

The advice may seem strange, but there is no need to fear such a divorce. Instead of "sawing" the spouse, trying to find out why he wants to get a divorce, arrange ugly scenes, it is better to take care of yourself and become happy right now. It is always easier to get away from an unfortunate, downtrodden, tearful, trampled, humiliated and offended person than from a happy, self-sufficient, self-conscious, having hobbies and hobbies, satisfied with himself and his life.

If divorce is inevitable and this is absolutely obvious to you, it's time to prepare for it. If the initiator of the divorce is you, discuss your decision with your partner. Keep calm, do not cry, do not cry, do not blame your spouse for the family collapsing.It's your decision. So talk about yourself. Try to put everything in such a way as not to offend the partner, not to create inferiority complexes for him. It is not necessary to tell your husband or wife that they do not suit you in bed. Remember that a man after a divorce with you will need to somehow build new relationships, and wounded pride will greatly complicate this task.

Remember that harder divorce is always experienced by one who is not the initiator. Protect your almost former partner from severe depression, make it easier for him - do not humiliate him, if only for the good that was between you.

If you do not want a divorce, but you already understand that it is inevitable on the initiative of your spouse, try to prepare yourself mentally - study the stages and forms of psychological reactions to getting out of stress. You need to tune in to the fact that it will not be easy, but the correct behavior will help you overcome the difficult stage with honor and dignity. It will not be possible to reconcile immediately, but no one demands this. If the partner is eager to get a divorce, there is no longer any difference how long you lived together and when this decision appeared - in the first year of marriage or six months after the wedding. Give your partner freedom, do not humiliate him and do not humiliate yourself. It will not be so easy to accept and forgive, but it must be done.

Well, that's all, the divorce took place. It was decided who the children will be with, who will pay the alimony. But the question remains, how now to build your life. It does not give an answer in court or registry office. The recovery period begins. It will be different stages: from anger at the former to the desire to return everything back, from depression to the acceptance of reality and the beginning of planning a new life. Adults will be able to cope with everything. But the child has a hard time. He still does not understand much, cannot explain. Children are experiencing everything several times stronger and deeper.

Therefore, the first thing you need to determine for themselves spouses who have decided to divorce, as the child will communicate with mom and dad further. Set the meeting order, frequency, discuss details. Do not forbid the child to communicate with the former, even if the divorce occurred on the initiative of the husband, after the betrayal, after the betrayal. In your grievances you will understand gradually, the child is not to blame. The only reason why you need to protect the child from his father or mother - drugs and alcohol, aggression. If communication with the father (mother) does not threaten the child’s life, do not deprive the child of this.

The second thing you need to pay attention after a divorce is to form the image of the second parent. If the child lives with you, never with a single word do not blacken the image of your ex-wife or ex-husband.

Cope with the emotional storm in the soul after a divorce will help clear the planning of their business and their time. Write down every day what and how much you will do. Consider the case for every hour to always be busy - so less unpleasant thoughts will visit your head.

Do not suppress your pain with alcohol, do not try to revenge the former, do not pursue him. Leave everyone the right to a new life. Embody everything that you have long dreamed of - buy yourself what you wanted, go on a journey, do not close yourself, do not limit your social circle, be open to new acquaintances. If it is difficult to cope on your own, do not hesitate to contact your psychologist for help from your friends.

The 10 signs that it’s time for you to part are described in the next video.